Hope and vulnerability

Hope and vulnerability

I feel I need to ask myself a few potentially difficult questions. What is this thing we call hope? I call it a thing – not a concept, feeling or an emotion- a thing. Until I can find an answer.

When do we give up on hope? When is enough, enough? When is it time to accept the reality? When do you stop believing in miracles? I honestly do not know.

For my friends, the one who could not get the kidney, the one who’s cancer is back. For my sister, when the voice/s in your head doesn’t leave you alone. When do you stop? Do you stop? For the rest of us, what do we do? How much, when, if anything?

Inside my heart and soul is torn apart and broken. I am bleeding, silently. I feel lost, sad, angry, disappointed. I feel thrown to the wolves. The sadness is consuming.

Recently I have heard that vulnerability is the way to go.  I said I would try it with people that I feel safe with, and that I will even stretch myself a bit to try it with other people. I have been rejected by both. The people that I thought would hear me, are also dealing with internal stuff.

I also believe that people are ready to change, to hear, to grow, to accept when they are ready.

I feel that we have lost touch with each other, that we are losing the human element of truly caring. And yet, as I am writing this, I have been exposed to people that were there for me, when I needed them.

Maybe it is a balancing act? Hoping and letting go. Being vulnerable and trusting the outcome?

I am not closer to the answer. What I know for now is that HOPE is one thing that keeps a lot of going. VULNERABILITY is being brave.

So, for now, I will try to hope and to be brave.